Forward Thinking

Finally. Today. This weekend. Right now. I’m excited. I’m actually looking forward to something. I’m not just trudging through life, another Sunday, another sleepless night worrying over things that will remain unresolved tomorrow too; no point in worrying about those things. I’m actually smiling to myself, a lot! I’m in a good place mentally. Right now, I can’t wait for what tomorrow, next week, September, has in store for me. Right now, I’m not that closet depressant; I’m the girl who has no reason to lie about staying in my pajamas the entire weekend because I couldn’t bear to interact with my mom, my dogs, my kids. I don’t have to pretend I didn’t shut the world out while pretending to be sleeping. I actually smiled this weekend. A lot. And because of that, I am manic. All the what ifs, possibilities, a new life ahead. I can hardly believe it myself. My smile, the one that crinkles the corners of my eyes, naturally parts my lips, causes my eyebrows to change direction, is what will allow me to face the day and all the perkiness of my workplace with genuine happiness and enthusiasm. I forgot how much I missed this.  Having something to look forward to, counting down the days, because there’s something to actually count. Finally.

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Tuesday Morning

That night they talked for two and a half hours about all things and no things and all the things between. Not caring about the time or miles or lack of sleep that would most certainly impact a HUGE day for her tomorrow. His voice was exactly the same as she remembered it 20 years ago, albeit older, more grown up. The inflection, the tone, the sighs, the “ums.” She closed her eyes and listened to the nasaly crack in his voice that happened every few minutes, increasing in frequency as the night grew deeper; and even though he may have been talking about things that hurt him from his past, all she could think of was “my heart is melting.”

She snuggled down even deeper when he said this was what he’d been looking for: to be able to connect with someone, talk to them, really listen to each other. And as he finished her sentence, the one that she so emphatically declared to her best friend time and time again “I’m tired of being their Saturday nights”… “I want her to be my Tuesday morning.” She stopped herself from screaming, as she sucked in a gulp of air, and pounded her fist in the pillow; asked him to tell her he didn’t just say what she heard; and he just laughed. That sweet laugh that made his eyes crinkle at the corners and showed the tops of his teeth. And so did she.

“20 years has been too long, it was so nice talking to you again…” And so it began.